Deep Dive Into How Social Media Has Affected Me

Have you ever had one of those times where you sense a shift in thinking on how people are using technology and how this is affecting our lives? Well, lately, I have started to notice many articles like this one, this one, and this video about how social media in general could really be having an effect on our lives. I will be right upfront with you that I truly believe that using tools like Twitter, Facebook, etc. is addicting and classifies right up there with addictions such as gambling that many lose control over managing it. I know there will be a few who will say "Hogwash!" to this belief and everyone has their right to an opinion, but I believe it is true. All we have to do is look at the generation growing up today where they are constantly texting and always connected with their phone by their side.

Quite frequently, I may meet up with others for "tweetups" and as you look around, you can see so many updating their Twitter stream or Facebook page telling others what they are doing. What happened to engaging with others who are present with you at that time?? Have we lost touch with sharing the current moment with those around us? I am writing this post as much for myself too as I have been sucked into the constant, always-on stream of tweets that I look at throughout each day. Twitter never turns off and frankly, I think it is going to cause more people to get addicted with time, if you are not already there. Guess what? I am a Twitter addict and I struggle with this all the time.

What makes us so addicted to checking our phones constantly or streams to see the latest tweets, etc.? Research has shown that dopamine makes us addicted to seeking information. Dopamine causes seeking behavior. It causes us to want, desire, seek out, and search. The wanting (dopamine) system propels us to action and if our seeking is not turned off, for a little while, then we start to run in an endless loop. With Twitter and texting, we now have almost instant gratification of our desire to seek. We get into a dopamine induced loop...we start seeking, then we get rewarded (feel pleasure) for the seeking which makes us seek more. It becomes harder and harder to stop looking at tweets, email, stop texting, or to stop checking our cellphones for new messages. The dopamine system is most powerfully stimulated when the information coming in is small so that it doesn't fully satisfy us. A short text or tweet is ideally suited to send our dopamine system raging.

Often, I get weird looks when I tell people I don't have a "smartphone." I have one of those cellphones that will probably be in a museum someday that only makes phone calls and can send text messages. I rarely ever text and usually it is only in response to when someone sends me a text. You want to know why I don't have a smartphone that allows me to browse the Internet, tweet, etc.? It is because I know if I did, I would always be connected and constantly checking it or using it to tweet the latest thing going on around me at the time. When I am present with people, I want my focus to be on them and them alone. I don't need a phone constantly going off as I get replies, DM's, etc. coming in. I will be honest in saying that it annoys me when I am with someone and their phone goes off and they look at it or take a call. It makes me wonder if I am not that important enough for them to wait and take that call later.

Don't get me wrong in thinking that I am against social media and what it provides in benefits to us. I truly believe in the value of tools such as Twitter, etc. and have connected with so many people via these tools. However, it has been how I use Twitter that has caused me a heck of a lot of headaches this year alone and with the new year approaching, I plan to take a step back and really think about how I use Twitter, etc. for my needs.

I have been told often that I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves and I would have to agree with that belief to an extent. However, here is where I want to share why this could be the case. I grew up pretty much a loner in school and hung out with people who others may consider trouble-makers or nerds. I did that since these people accepted me for who I was and nothing more. So, as is often in school, I was picked on or bullied a lot by jocks or those who felt like they had to resort to being jerks to make themselves look good and do it at the expense of those who were their targets. This went on through high school and frankly, it sucked! I let these punks bully me around and was silent about it.

After high school, I went into the U.S. Army to get money for college and since my Dad was in the Army, he encouraged me to go this route. Basic training sucked big time and was a challenge for me since I could not always pass the physical training tests or marksmanship tests. Again, I was ridiculed and yelled at constantly by my drill sergeants and a few of my fellow soldiers. I was told I was nothing and would never pass basic training. We had a new captain over our unit and every time he saw me, he was an encouragement. He told me to keep striving forward. I will never forget the day when I did graduate from basic training and he said my name and told me to stand up in front of everyone. He told everyone that I really had a tough time going through basic training, but I stuck it out and made it and he was proud of me! Wow! After basic, I was sent over to Germany to serve the rest of my active duty time. That was another challenge in itself as I was very far from home and it was a struggle to not get homesick often. But, it was the generosity and hospitality of an American family who lived over there who allowed me to visit their home every weekend to stay and hang out that allowed me to get through my 3 years. It was called The Hospitality House Ministry as part of Cadence International that continues today to bring "family" to those soldiers who are far from home. It was the Army though that did toughen me up to the point where I was not afraid of the fear of others rejecting me and started to stand up to those who attempted to do this.

Flash-forward after I got out of the Army, dated my wife-to-be for a few years, got married, graduated from college, and took a job at a major Fortune 500 company. Eventually, I was transferred for my job to the Kansas City area 3.5 years ago. Things went well for awhile, until my job was completely changed on me and I was moved from doing things on the Web that I had done for 6 years to managing direct mail campaigns only. This was a drastic change that did not sit well with me and over time, I realized I wanted to get back into doing things on the Web.

I guess I went down a path where I shared a little bit of my history, but the reason I did that is to come to the point where social media entered into my life. Enter Twitter in August 2008. I had explored if there was a group in the KC area that met to talk about social media and I found out a Social Media Club of KC was just getting started. And also, a tweetup was to be held so naturally, I had to sign up for Twitter to make sure I felt a part of this tweetup. :-)

It was then when I got hooked on Twitter and started to use it to make many connections with people in the KC area and beyond. I had found a tool that I could use to be "social" with others and not have to do it via face to face as often. For one who always grew up with others rejecting you for who you were, it became addicting to use Twitter since so many people accepted me for who I was behind my tweets and for sharing information that was of value to others. As more people connected with me and told me that what I shared was important to them, the dopamine in me ramped up as I continued to seek and seek and seek. It was the reward system of getting reassuring comments as I tweeted more and more that started to make it addicting to me in a sense that Twitter allowed me to feel who I always wanted to be in feeling valued by others.

Flash forward to when I moved on from my job since I wanted to get more into social media and the company I was with did not or would not allow me to pursue that route. It was a mentality of "do your job" and don't share how we could use social media to interact with our customers, etc. My heart was with interacting online and doing things on the Web like I had done 6 years prior in my job so being told that I should manage direct mail campaigns and be happy about that did not sit well with me needless to say. I realized it was time for me to move on.

Moving into 2009, I continued to connect with people over Twitter, but it was my interactions with a few that caused me some heartaches. In summary, some people completely shut me out of their lives due to some "mistakes" I made in how I interacted with some people they considered friends and to be honest, it brought back those memories of feeling rejected. It hurt to be told that others did not want to be associated with me anymore. I have since apologized to those I did upset, but some have continued to shut me out. I guess what I am getting at with this reference is that I have too often connected with people via Twitter and considered many to be "friends" since they followed me and I followed them. Too often, I have spent way too much time interacting with people online and not enough time with my family or true friends in real life. I have often wondered why is that? I think it goes back to the fact that I have always strived to matter to others and when people reject you, it can cause your world to feel like it has shattered. When you rely too much on what people think about you and always try to please others, you will never feel completely satisfied. There will ALWAYS be someone who dislikes you or does not like how you do things. I think this is the reason why so many get upset when someone "unfriends" them on Facebook or stops following them on Twitter. We feel like we are connected to others we follow or who follow us, even if we may never meet them in real life. They are "virtual" friendships and there are times these online friendships can move into real life, true friendships. Maybe that is what I am searching for as I continue to use Twitter and how it can be addicting to so many. We want to feel loved, cared for, and appreciated for who we are and many times we feel this via connections on Twitter.

I have not really had any true, close friends since I moved to the Kansas City area and I think that is what I have been searching for at times as I use social media tools like Twitter, Facebook, etc. I want to connect with others, but take it a step more to really get to know them offline. Unfortunately, as more technology tools enter our lives, they are moving us away from in-person interactions I believe. We need to all take a step back and think about how we use social media.

Over time, as I have continued to job search, I have felt I need to stop the constant checking of my Twitter stream to feel that dopamine surge I get when getting replies or responding to others and step away from my computer. I think my OCD may also play a factor in how I try to always feel like I need to check for the latest tweets in case I miss something important as part of my job search. I am not saying I need to abandon Twitter altogether as I still think it is useful for connecting with others, but I have realized it has taken way more time than I should allocate to it when I should be out meeting people face to face for potential job opportunities. That is my goal going into the new year. Connect with some people on Twitter, LinkedIn, or Facebook for starters and take it offline to engage with them further. Too often, we engage with people and can have wonderful conversations via DM's or in the public stream and that is great, but why don't we take it offline more?

As Thanksgiving comes upon us, I am thankful for the incredible numbers of people I have engaged with online and continue to do so today, but I want to take that "Thanks" to the next level. I want to engage with more of you offline and get to know you at a deeper level if you are willing to go there. In reality, we each need one another as we walk our journey in life. So, if you start to see me asking if you want to meet for coffee, lunch, or a beer at the end of the day, you will understand that I just want to get to know you more.

I want to challenge each of you to take a step back as we close out 2010 and think about how you have used social media tools this past year. How can you take a relationship you have started online and take it to the next level to get to know people in a more deeper way? Much like the name of a business started by someone I have got to know via Twitter and in real life has the initials IRL as part of its identity, let's start to move more of our online interactions to real life.

Who is with me to commit to this level of interaction in 2011?