Approval Addiction is For Real

The Search for Significance, Approval Addiction, Getting Unstuck, and Prisoners of Our Thoughts. What do all of these titles mean? They are books I have on hand at home that I have read over and over, especially in those vulnerable times when I felt like I needed to read something that spoke to the condition I was in. I encountered a few instances today where people I know expressed their dismay and frustration with always feeling like they have to please people. I know exactly what those feelings are like as I have dealt with them for many years now. Being addicted to approval from others is REAL and it can wreak havoc on your emotions and thoughts if you are the type of person that is vulnerable to it.

As it shares in "The Search for Significance" book: "We spend much of our time building relationships, striving to please people and win their respect. And yet, after all of our efforts, it takes only one unappreciative word from someone to ruin our sense of self-worth." Have you ever had that happen to you? It can be done so easily via social media within 140 characters or even through email that reads differently to you than how others may perceive it. One of the benefits of social media is to connect and build relationships with others. But all it takes is one harsh word, rumor, or gossip to come your way and that relationship can be destroyed in an instant. We have the power to do good via social media tools, but the greater danger is the crushing blow of criticism or rejection that can be done through these same tools.

Another quote from "The Search for Significance" book says: 'The world we live in is filled with people who demand that we please them in exchange for their approval and acceptance. Such demands can lead us to a false belief that I must be approved by certain others to feel good about myself. We are snared by this lie so often and believing it causes us to bow to peer pressure in an effort to gain approval. We may join clubs and organizations, hoping to find a place of acceptance for ourselves. We often identify ourselves with social groups, believing that being with others like ourselves will assure our acceptance and their approval." Those last few sentences about some joining clubs or social groups to gain the approval of others is one where I see being done often within social media. There is some thinking that if you are not part of an "in group" then you are not worth talking to. I will tell you this right now. I despise "in groups" with a passion. One big reason is from my experience of being the target of many jocks in high school who felt like it was their right to tease and make life a living hell for their victims. To this day, I don't think I can think about some of those people without some hatred in my heart. But, I am doing what I can to forgive people like that from my past since it is only hurting me. It is a process to forgive others who treat you like you are scum of the earth.

Let me ask you this..."Have you ever experienced rejection at the hands of others?" Nothing hurts like being rejected. Especially from those we may be trying to gain approval. Our dependence on others for value brings bondage, while abiding in the truths of Christ's love and acceptance brings freedom and joy. Galatians 1:10 is where Paul shares the following: "For am I now seeking the favor of men or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."

Joyce Meyer is one person who grew up in an abusive household and had major problems dealing with rejection and feeling like she needed to win the approval from others in order to feel good about herself. But, through God's grace in her life, today she is an author of more than 60 inspirational books and she has radio and television programs broadcast around the world! It is amazing how the Lord turned her life around once she decided to invite Him to remake her life. In her book, "Approval Addiction," she says: "If we try to build our lives on what people say and think of us, we are building on sinking sand." How is your foundation? Are they rooted in rejection or fear? Most often, those of us that are approval addicts, need to start with new roots. Roots that are based on knowing we have unconditional acceptance by God. And like Disciple shares in their "1, 2, Conductor" song, God is our only audience that truly matters.

I hope by sharing some of my experiences and of others who know how it is to be an approval addict that you will know you are not alone. I encourage you to use tools like Twitter or Facebook to share your struggles or thoughts with others. If others comment on how you are using these tools to do this, make sure they know there is an unfollow button. You do what you need to do in order to work through what you are dealing with.

Final question to ponder upon: "How much of your life have you wasted trying to gain approval of others?" STOP letting it ruin your life and be who you are no matter what others think.

The Lord bless you.

Are You Playing for the Crowd? DON'T!

Today, we are consumed by information that comes at us fast and furious with no breaks. For those who have smartphones, constantly checking to see the latest tweet or who has sent you a reply or DM can be a never-ending cycle. One big reason why I do not own a smartphone is because I know very well I would run the real danger of always checking it to see what was the latest chatter from those I follow on Twitter or Facebook. It is bad enough for me to not take a peek during the day when I should be focused on other more important things. There are going to be some who read this post who will say just turn it off, Mark. Let it be known that is easier said than done for some people. What may work for you may not work as well for others. Most of the time, each of us have to find that equal balance through trial and error. And sometimes, it is a constant battle to keep that balance. For those who struggle with OCD or AHDD, using social media tools like Twitter can be very distracting as those who struggle with one of these disorders tends to always be looking for the next hit, whether that is a tweet, Facebook post, etc.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? It is for several reasons. One, since I revived this blog, I decided I wanted to be upfront with you on the challenges I face as I deal with it day by day on how to find that balance using social media and staying off it. Face it, it is the truth that so many of us are so ingrained with our smartphones, laptops, etc. that what we do in conversing with others via tweets, posts, etc., is common nature. It has become a part of our identity. And to be honest, that can be a not so good place to be. When we start "playing to the crowd," and paying attention to what "followers" have to say about who we are or what we should do online, we lose. Sure, construction criticism can be helpful in some cases, but in my viewpoint, if you really do want to help someone online, take it offline and talk to them privately. I have seen enough cases where people are publicly shamed online and those who shovel out this type of garbage think they have the right to do it. Most of the time, those who do this to others have their own problems they are dealing with and instead of working on them, they decide to lash out to others so they can feel empowered. I have a message for those type of people who in the past may have made me feel "small" or decided smearing my name made them feel pretty proud of themselves. The message is ENOUGH! I read a post today by Julien Smith that I won't link to from here since it does have the F word used throughout his post, but besides the profanity, he was dead on! Basically, he decided he has had enough of others trying to tell him how to live his life and for him falling prey to the whims of others and their approval. He spoke out publicly about it and decided enough is enough.

So, you may be thinking to yourself, "Mark, just let this go and drop it." I will let you in on a little secret. I struggle with OCD and it makes it very tough to just drop things that happen to you and move on. I will be honest in saying that one year later, after the stupid crap that happened to me in 2010, I am much further on the road to healing than I used to be. There are still some people who find it "fun" to throw grenades my way to try and get me wound up, but with time, I have learned how to deal with such morons. To be honest, they can't touch me or my soul. Just like a song I love to listen to by Disciple called "1, 2 Conductor" it speaks about those who feel like they have to play for the crowd like a puppet. For those who follow Christ, the only audience we need to worry about is Jesus himself. He accepts us no matter where we are. As it says in Matthew 16:26, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Many people play to the crowd around them through clubs they are a part of, celebrities they try to rub shoulders with, or by doing what they can to get on a pedestal to be recognized for worldly rewards. Sure, it may feel great for awhile to be adorned and praised by people around us, especially if you are part of the "in crowd."

Let me be honest right here...I have been part of some groups in the past where I felt included and then thrown to the side when crap hit the fan. I learned the hard way who was along the side of me no matter what happened and who was there when things were good and rosy and dropped me like a castaway when things got bad. Was I hurt and rejected when such things happened or when some just completely stopped talking to me? You bet I was! And honestly, I let that rejection affect me for quite a long time. I felt like I did not contribute any value because of some who felt I was not worth it. I have a message for those: You may throw your stones at me all you want, but they do not and will not affect me anymore. I am a child of Christ and it is through Him who I get my strength. As Disciple shares so lovingly in the 1, 2 Conductor song, "I don't give a rat's end what they say as long as my God is happy!"

Twitter has been a real struggle for me. To be quite honest, I see more cons to the experiences I have had through it than pros. Some of the pros of it are connecting to people who really do care and ask how you are doing. People like Amy Kiel, Ryan Conrad, Ben Smith, Jeremy Brooks, Paul Berry, Lance Strickland, @queentuffy, Tony Faustino, Jenn Bailey, Ryan Nelson, Nate Heavilin, Sara Nelson and many others. I still talk with and connect with a few from the Social Media Club of Kansas City, but I also have moved on from that chapter in my life with time. Truthfully, I have found more community and more openness via 33 Church than any other clubs or groups I have been a part of in the past. I would rather serve along those who truly value you as a person and take time to reach out and ask you how you are then being part of a "cool" group where everyone strives to be one of the top known experts or leaders. I have always been one to go against the flow or the status quo and that suits me just fine. In God's kingdom, there is no one person who stands above the rest. Each person is a valued member who makes a significant contribution via God working through them.

The main point I want to get across is that you need to do everything you can to not be sucked into the flow of what the world wants you to do or how you should perform. That can be done so easily via social media as anyone can say what is on their mind with no boundaries and to anyone they wish to direct it to. Cyberbullying is real and it is only increasing in intensity as kids growing up with technology in today's world are the target of many who don't have the guts to confront someone but hides behind a computer to send out nasty notes. It is not only a problem for kids, but also for some adults who become unlucky targets and if you are one who struggles with OCD or AHDD, just forgetting what others say about or towards you can be devastating.

How can you break away from the cries of the world towards you who want you to join them in the churning rapids of tweets, posts, check-ins, etc.? Take breaks and do them often. This is one area I am slowly improving on as I take more frequent breaks in checking Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, etc. It is a ongoing process. If being on a social media channel like Twitter has become a major part of what you do on a daily basis, it will take time to break away from it and focus on those who truly matter in your life or those things that make the most impact. I love the outdoors and whenever I can, I try to head for a nearby park to get out and hike a trail. Be alone with my own thoughts. I think one of the big reasons why I favor going on vacation to off beaten places where one can stay in a cabin and hike trails is because I savor the peace and quiet with such times. Away from cellphone signals, away from computers, and away from the busyness of the world trying to pull me back in to the noise.

I want to start focusing on more things where I know I can make an eternal impact. The fact is that all of the awards, praise, recognition, popularity, etc. will only get you so far. Every one of those things will be gone in an instant someday when we pass on. BUT, if you impacted someone for eternity, that will be a far greater reward that you will be blessed with. There is enough people out there who share the latest articles or news updates about social media this, social media that, and social media where.

That is what I want to start moving away from and moving towards sharing stories that make an eternal impact. Heck, if you need prayers for something, DM me or shoot me an e-mail. I feel I can be a much more useful tool in God's hands if I share the Good News about him and what he has done in my life and others.

In the next few days, I will write about a very personal situation that came into my life 5 years ago where I saw a true miracle when the surrounding crowd who did not believe tried to convince my family that it was time to listen to them. But, we did not. It was by God's grace an amazing miracle was to come.

I leave you with this video. Make a difference in your world.

Just Keep Going, You Got Nothing to Lose: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0oHlX8Kmxk

How Do We Keep Up In Today's World??

This is a blog post I have been meaning to write for awhile now. You see...I often tweet my thoughts or opinions on various topics quite often and I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter as a result. You can only fit in so many words in a 140 character tweet and you can send out multiple tweets to get your point across, but in reality, writing out your thoughts and feelings is so much easier within a blog. I noticed that my last post on this blog was at the end of February when I was processing what was going on in my life at that time and how I wanted to manage how I used Twitter.

It has dawned on me after I read this excellent post by Monica Wright that what she shares and the questions she asks at the beginning of the post really resonated with me. I posted them below again for you to think upon...

What do my social actions say about my productivity?

How are my actions perceived?

Am I wasting my time posting and engaging in useless conversations?

Are my connections and conversations producing value, not just to me, but to my work as well?

Monica goes into more depth about how these questions made her realize how participating in social media channels like Twitter, Facebook, etc. can often feed her urge to feel important or to be seen by others. It brings on a conflict of overexposure vs. obscurity.

Monica linked to another article written by Dana Lookadoo called "Getting Control of your Social Media Life." In that article, Dana goes into detail about how so many people struggle with figuring out how to find the time to do social media and there are some who just can't stay away from it. We are bombarded on all fronts by information that just keeps coming and never lets up. Whether it is via TV, online, radio, advertisements, word of mouth, etc., we are fed information at an incredible rate.

Much like Dana shares, there are many who admit that social media feeds a real need they have in their life and one of the biggest needs we each have is to feel accepted or looked upon as someone who provides value to another. Some people admit social media help feeds their ego. Others share that receiving a DM or tweet from others can feel like a drug. It excites them. A shot of dopamine is given with a jolt! And they keep craving more of the same. Some of us feel like we need to get as many followers or friends as possible so we feel important, even if it is only online. The quest for the latest news or "what's happening with those I follow?" can suck us into hours and hours of constant updates that never end until we make the choice to turn it off.

Don't get me wrong. I know the value of Twitter also and have met many people in the KC area and beyond through this wonderful channel and some of them I count as good friends now. For that, I am grateful. However, it has dawned on me more than once to think about why I use Twitter or engage with others via this channel. I really do think it is, for me, the need to feel connected with others in a virtual sense. Nothing can replace real, face to face conversations with people, but when that is not always possible, Twitter does give that connection with those you wish to follow and keep up to date on what is going on in their world.

Each of us is like an air traffic controller in our own personal mission-control tower as incoming info comes at us constantly. With all of the methods that we can be interrupted with, it can feel strange if more than a few minutes passes without an interruption. Immediately we think..What did I miss? Am I out of the loop? Very often, we compulsively check our messages, tweets, emails, etc. even when there is no need to. We have been accustomed to an age of constant distraction. For those who have always struggled with feeling accepted, it is even a tougher habit to break to feel like we always need to check to see if someone sent us a message, tweet, or email. To be honest, I tend to fall into that camp of feeling I need to check all the time to see what is going on.

Like I shared earlier in this post, we do not want to feel obscure or invisible to others. Without realizing it, we are losing our capacity to savor the moments when we have no interruptions. Never before has it been so easy to stay in touch with so many people electronically, but rarely has it seemed so difficult to maintain genuine human closeness. That is why I love to get out in the woods to hike or experience nature and be far away from distractions the world throws my way once I get back into the flow. Each of us needs time to disconnect and think about how the constant flow of information or the peer pressure we feel to be visible to others can make a major impact on us in a not so good way. Without meaning to, we are training ourselves to constantly be on the alert for interruptions. Unless we are careful, we now live piecemeal lives in a piecemeal world. Continuous partial attention is the result.

In the days ahead, I will be sharing more of my thoughts on this topic and how I am trying to scale back more to focus on those things that matter in the long run vs. always checking to see what is the latest tweet or reply sent via email, Twitter, etc. Some of you may be able to identify with what I shared in this post and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. I will be sharing the ups and downs as I experience them in my goal of becoming more disconnected from always feeling the need to be "always on" via Twitter, Facebook, etc. and how I am focusing more on the close relationships in my life. More than ever, we need to grab hold of the distractions that can so easily creep into our lives and make sure we are focused on the right things or people that matter in the long run. Looking forward to sharing this journey with you.

Until next time...